Measuring Penises

My intelligence is a big button to me.  Don’t push it, or without thinking twice, I’ll slap you with my IQ penis.  I throw out the number like it’s nothing, though inside, I’m like, “It could be higher.  I wish it were higher…”  I use big words and logical arguments to coerce you into believing my IQ penis is much bigger than yours.  I don’t play when it comes to my IQ.

I don’t know how the thought happened upon me (they come and go as they please and making the connections would keep me lost) but the thought, “That’s all I have” came to me.  That’s all I have that makes me impressive, that can take me to the next level.  The thought echoes in my head, “That’s all I have.”  I have a husband who loves me and deals with the insanity.  I have five beautiful, brilliant, well-behaved children.  I have a best friend that has known me since I was eight and still wants something to do with me.  I have a mother that goes over and beyond her grandmother and motherly duties to help me when I need it.  I have a kind, compassionate heart.  I have a bright and caring smile.  I hope it’s contagious, too.  I’m humorous… at least people tend to laugh when I talk.  I’m taking it as a good thing because it’s usually what’s intended.  I have a lot of good qualities, why else would these people who are close to me still be around (a question I wonder almost daily)?  So why then is intelligence all that I have?

I also have baggage and scars.  I have dark parts of me that make me ugly.  We all do, right? So why is my brain, the one thing I’m holding up as I get buried beneath the mountain of baggage?  Why is it important, above all else, that I’m smarter than you?

Somewhere in my brain, I believe that intelligence means you have to listen.  I’m smarter than you, so you have to take my ideas seriously.  You have to take me seriously.  You have to know I’m not that long bearded, crazy man that spurts nonsense and every now and then reveals something deep (maybe I am).  I’m brilliant and that give me the credentials I need.  On the other side of that, it means that I don’t have to listen to what you are saying.  I’m smarter than you, so when you say I’m unlovable, it can’t be true.  When you point out my weaknesses, it doesn’t hurt as much because I’m so much smarter than you.

So when you attack my IQ, I have to defend it with my life.  I have to throw out the number like it’s nothing, even though I’m pretty proud of it.  I use big words and logical arguments so that you can’t take the only thing I have left that gives me validity.  That makes me worthy of being listened to (of being loved, respected, admired?).

I don’t know if that’s why men measure penises.  I don’t know if it’s to prove they are worthier than their foe.  Because they think that’s all they have to win the battle.  To give themselves better credentials as a mate.  I do know that it seemed silly to me, as I’m sure my need to be smarter probably seemed to those who have had to deal with it.

What’s your penis envy?  What makes you whip it out and show it off when someone attacks it?  Why?

Saying “No” Won’t End the World

This thought process was a seed planted be James Altucher who wrote Choose Yourself.

It’s ok to say no. No, I’m not going to do that for you. No, I’m not going to deal with your behavior anymore. No.

Why is it so hard to say no? I thought my kids and husband were the most important things in my life, but when thinking about past actions, I said yes to someone taking food out their mouths.  I didn’t tell a person no when she asked for a favor though she had a job, her significant other had a job, and she could readily pay for what she was asking me to pay for. She took the money I used to feed my family with, and I let her because I said “Yes.” So not saying “no” has actually been the most important priority to me… Scary!

My ex-husband asked me to give him money.  He does not help me financially take care of my daughter.  He tries to get away with taking as much as he can without giving anything.  He is financial stable, and he asked me to give him money.  You’d think, “Dude, life is giving you an easy no.  Just say it.  What’s the hold up?”  I still haven’t answered him.  My brain says he has to know the answer, so I don’t need to give him an answer.  I’ll just ignore him, and it’ll go away (very rarely does it ever go away.)  He has to know the answer, right?  He has to know how ridiculous he is for even asking, right? Well, what he does know is I don’t like to give that answer.  What he does know is that I’ll wiggle and squirm and then finally give in.  It should be so easy to stand up and say, “No.”  Don’t give any excuses.  Don’t give any reasons.  Just, “No, I will not do that,” and leave it at that.  But yet, I still haven’t given him an answer.

I was trying to figure out why I was holding on to this anger with different people.  I don’t like to hold on to it.  It makes me feel ugly and dark inside.  It works it’s way into everything I do, everything I am. So I went searching inside myself for the problem.  I figured out what was at the core of the anger, but instead of letting go, I still held on.  I was deathly afraid to let go.  I would rather be angry and it eat at me and make me miserable than to let them close again.  By letting them close, I would have to learn to say no to them. I did not realize how much power I had given these two letters.

You can’t escape the lessons you need to learn in this life. No matter how you try to hide and protect yourself from having to be uncomfortable and do what you don’t want to do, life will keep pushing. The same lesson a different face. I look back and see how each thing I should have said no to was ridiculous and should have been an easy no. Life was giving me an easy out, but I let fear take over.  It seems every face life puts on for this lesson is getting easier so it’s not a giant leap but just a baby step.  I also see the things I did say no to, due to saying yes to the others, were more important than those I didn’t. So will having this knowledge make me strong enough to face my fear and put my real priorities first?  I guess we’ll see the next interaction with my ex.

Follow Your Own Path

I fell in love with this play by Tennessee Williams, Summer and Smoke.  At the time I was ignoring my own path and doing what everybody else thought was realistic.  Being an actor/director/playwright/author was unrealistic, or so they told me.  I think I had switched my majors to International Relations and Psychology in that search for the “realistic” that fit my soul.  I had gone through many majors by this point.  I kept looking for that piece to fit my soul and decided that maybe I could chase my dreams as a hobby.

Then I found Summer and Smoke while browsing through the other titles at the bookstore.  I bought it and just gobbled up this tale of losing out on love due to worrying what others thought.  My question at the end was “How did this effect those who had their opinions of what was right and wrong?”  The answer is it didn’t.  It gave them more to gossip over since they had nothing else in their sad, little lives.  It kinda woke me up.  I was wasting money and time, chasing after degrees/careers that bored me.  I wanted to be in the theater. I wanted to write. I wanted to show people a different life, a different perspective, a different way to look at things. I wanted to help people grow intellectually and spiritually, and while psychology was one way to do that, in the end, it wasn’t the path I was being drawn to follow for the rest of my life.

My path has not been lucrative, thus far, but it’s rewarding in much better ways.  To give people something to ponder on and discuss with one another, to watch people grow, to watch people think is more rewarding any day to me than being “realistic” and stuck in a life path that someone else designed.

So, what’s important to you?  What do you want for yourself?  Be completely “selfish” and “self absorbed” because in the end, you are the only one to blame, not the naysayers, when you don’t end up where you wanted to go or with who you wanted to be there with.  Do for yourself because no one else will.  Choose for yourself because others will not choose what is best for you, but instead what is best for themselves.  Not even those that say they are thinking of your own good. Instead they are saying what they think is for your own good, which encompasses their own short comings and misperceptions.  Live for yourself so that in return you can be there for others.