Acceptance is s…

Acceptance is simply recognition. When you recognize a thing, you see it for what it is. All of our experiences, no matter how awful they appear to be, are temporary. Acceptance of an experience as a temporary situation can make it a lot easier to handle.
—Iyanla Vanzant

Noah Without God… That’s Called Showing Faith

I read a blog on how the Noah movie  with Russell Crowe didn’t even show God.  How dare they!  I mean, then Noah just looks like a crazy old man who had foresight… but isn’t that what people look like today when they say God has spoken to them?  We can’t tell if it’s just voices in their head or something celestial.  Good Christian folk today get up in arms if you dare to think you can communicate with angels or that God is still talking to people, but that’s the same as in Noah’s time.  I think the movie perfectly accentuated that.  Look at Moses talking to a burning bush.  How is that any different than God encompassing rock creatures to purvey his message?

They should be more concerned about the playing with the ending.  They had to add an additional person who the Bible does not mention in order to not cover Noah’s debauchery. Why are they not offended by the complete changing of the story rather than how the script writers imagined God spoke to Noah?

 

And the Meek Shall Inherit the Earth

Not everyone is born to fight.  Jesus said in the Beatitudes that the meek will inherit the Earth.  Some use this as an excuse not to fight even for themselves, so let’s explore meekness and Jesus.

meek
adj.adjective

• 1. Showing patience and humility; gentle.

  2. Easily imposed on; submissive

By today’s standards one would say Jesus wasn’t meek.  Yes, in the end, he stood in front of the masses and did not defend himself.  He knew it was pointless at that time and he also knew what needed to be done.

He sat in the Garden of Gethsemane asking for another way out.  So does what he had done up to this point void what he did the previous three years?

How does this void his constantly calling out the Pharisees?  He was calling out the religious who used their beliefs to look down on others.  He was not meek when it came to the Pharisees.  He went into a temple and flipped tables because they were making money off of God.  In some schools of thought, he called the people ready to stone the adulteress out on their sins as he drew in the sand.  So explain to me where meek is sitting back in your comfort zone allowing things to happen?

Would it have not been hypocritical of Jesus to say, “Don’t fight,” when that’s exactly what he did in the three years we know of his adult life?  Did he physically attack people?  Other than whoever was in the way of the flying tables, no, not that we know of.  But he did stand up and say, “No, this is not to be allowed.”  He didn’t allow judgment from those with their own sins to hide.  He stood up for those who did not stand up for themselves.  He also did not tell them that they should sit back and be insulted.  He tried to make changes in a nonviolent manner, and at the end, when he saw that a battle would end up proving to the world what the Pharisees wanted the world to see, he did what he had to do to prove his point.  Standing back and allowing things to happen is not the same as a martyr making a point.

 

Returning to me

I have this continual nightmare that I’ve made something of myself and I’m in a public place, a mall or airport or something. I see her at the same time that she sees me. I turn to my friend in panic, “That’s her. How do I avoid this?” Sometimes he steps in and keeps her away from me. Sometimes I do the polite smile and hug (which is a nightmare itself because I hate being touched by people I don’t want touching me. It’s like my brain thinks a part of them is going to rub off on me.) Never in these dreams do I straight out tell her to get away from me. I have guilt about forgiveness even though this isn’t about forgiveness.

This is about a woman who subtly for many years of my life tried to convince me I was garbage and that everyone else thought so, too. This is a woman who used a tragedy that still effects me to this day, as cannon fodder for her anger because she didn’t like what she thought I was saying. This is the woman that I feared would ruin my name with people I cared about knowing because she has no problem blatantly lying about someone she despises. This is a woman who then stalked me on the internet still trying to convince me that nobody loved me, everybody hated me, I should go and eat some worms. Why would I want anyone like that back in my energetic field?

It’s not that I wish bad for her. I just don’t want her in my existence. I hope she finds the happiness she deserves so that she doesn’t have to tear down or control the ones that love her, but I don’t want to be any part of it.

Then that part of me starts up with forgiveness. It’s a concept I have tried to understand for years. I forgive her, don’t I? It’s who she is so how can I not forgive her? I love her dearly even now. I want more for her than constantly finding someone to do battle with instead of healing the hurt inside. She deserves more for herself. I just don’t want to be around for it so does that mean I don’t really forgive her?

I’ve been the punching bag all my life, and I’m done. I’m done with those who don’t see my value. I’m done with those who only feel better by thinking of me as less. No long goodbyes, no second chances. I have to heal myself and how can I heal when I allow an infection to stay? Better to cut the part off and keep going. That’s how I live my life.

I realized yesterday that I had shut myself down. I was scared of using my talents because if I made something of myself I might run into her again. The emotional mind is not always rational. I haven’t done a lot of designing, sewing, painting, or writing in the years since we stopped talking always finding excuses not to jump into a project. I feared that posting here or showing my other projects would cause her to come out of her hiding place as she had done on my other writing site and attack me.

I also stopped interacting with people. A couple of weeks ago, I passed a message along to an acquaintance (completely shaking as I did) and he tried to open up to me. That was not part of my message so I shut him down hard. I couldn’t figure out why. I love helping people and being there to give them a judgement free outlet. But I shut him down. It has bothered me since it happened. Yesterday it clicked in why. I was an unpaid therapist for this woman for many years and when she didn’t like what I was saying, I became the villain. Fine, I’ll be the villain, but I don’t want that power in anybody’s life anymore.

I also closed myself off because I’ve been grieving the loss. This was someone I’ve known for over twenty five years. Someone I considered a close friend for at least the last fifteen of that twenty five, and she died when she crossed a line she couldn’t uncross. So for the last few years, I’ve been grieving the death of this person without fully burying her. I tried to convince myself that there was still some hope of me being Essau to her Jacob.

Yesterday, I unplugged the life support. I forgave her when it happened because that’s who she is and I knew how she was.I loved her for who she was so how could I be angry at her for being herself when it was turned on me? But forgiveness doesn’t mean I have to accept her back in my life. That’s where I’ve always gotten stuck. If it’s true forgiveness then you are willing to be around them again, right? No. Sometimes things happen, words are said that can not be taken back. I never understood that before.

My friend, I pray you get the best life has to offer, but I let you go completely. I let my grieving go. I’m getting back to doing me because that’s the best that life has for me!

Optimus Prime is a Robot

My three year old came up to me the other day and asked me if Optimus Prime was a boy or a girl.  Not really knowing how to answer that, I told him that Optimus Prime could be whatever he wanted him to be.
“Well, Bella says that he’s a girl and a boy.”  And then it hit me, Optimus Prime is… a robot.  The last time I checked robots didn’t have genitalia.  Okay, so I’m just guessing there because I never thought to check if robots had genitalia.  I hadn’t planned on having sex with them, much less procreating with them, so it just didn’t occur to me to check.  I haven’t searched the mythology of the alien robots to find out how they procreate and if Optimus Prime can or has pushed a little alien robot from its loins.  I mean, the only reason my three year old was even asking is he wanted to be able to tell his sister that she couldn’t be Optimus Prime, only he could. The robot’s genitalia wasn’t actually of any consequence to him other than to have proof of what he wanted.

So I answered him, “Well, Optimus Prime is a robot, so technically, he’s not a girl or a boy.”

To which he responded, “Well, I’m gonna be Optimus Prime.”

And because I have to get the last word, “Well, then technically, you’re not a boy or a girl.”

And he continued to play with no detriment to himself.  He didn’t all of a sudden lose his penis because Optimus Prime is a robot, or  because I told him that while playing said robot, he was genderless.  The world continued to turn, and he moved on to helping Handy Manny fix pipes.

The whole point of gender is to designate whether you can procreate with someone.  Okay, if I’m honest, that’s in my little world.  The current point of gender is to say my penis is bigger than yours so that means I’m better, though if I get a hard on, seeing as my penis is so big, I’ll just pass out and render my penis useless for anything besides waste removal. I may be biased on the matter though…  The reason people cling to these gender roles is because they want to be able to say I understand you.  I identify with you.  Because if we don’t understand or identify, then you’re foreign and uncomfortable and the average person doesn’t like uncomfortable.  It makes us unsure and frightened.  It turns us back to our base ancestry because we don’t know if you’re foe or friend, all because we don’t know if your genitalia dangles or hides.  In a Patriarchal or Matriarchal society, gender is used to promote one sex above the other so that the gender can continue to thrive while holding the other gender back.

But naturally, what is the point of gender anyway?  Logically, it’s so we can identify a mate that we can procreate with.  Not have sex with, but reproduce a human life.  Make new humans.  That’s the only real point to gender identification.  We don’t want to get home and unwrap the gift just to find out there’s not ever going to be a surprise inside.  Beyond that it’s over thinking.  Yes, it would be nice if you meet a nice girl at the bar, on the internet, or wherever people meet other people these days, and she could say, “Hey, I don’t have the right equipment to reproduce your genetics.”  But because of how close minded we are, that can get a person killed.  Maybe if we take the stigma off of it and stop looking at things from a caveman point of view, then we could work up to allowing people to be who they are without forcing the “Can you push a baby from between your legs?  You can? Okay, then you can wear make-up, dresses, and have breasts,” mentality upon people.  And if your goal isn’t to reproduce then what does it matter who you have a meaningful… or not meaningful… connection with?  If you’re not into anal sex (because some straight men are) then good for you, maybe you should know a person well enough to have discussed it, but that’s my conservative (or logical if you think of all the stds of the world) side showing itself.

So my plan is to start with my kids teaching them that gender doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t matter if the world thinks that only girls can do this and only boys can do that.  Do what you do and show the world how very wrong it is.  Maybe then they’ll teach others and it will spread because I want my children to live in a world that doesn’t define them by their reproductive abilities.  I want my children to not define themselves by whether they can only make a child or carry a child within their bodies.  I want my children not to define themselves or others by whether their genitalia dangles or hides.

So Optimus Prime is a robot, and yes, you can wear a princess dress just to sit on the floor and play trains, because really, it’s not the dress that makes the man, it’s the masculinity.

Why Do You Hate God?

“Why do you hate God?” A student asks a philosophy teacher in the new movie, God Is not Dead…

Well, I don’t hate God.  I hate his people.  I hate the restrictions and judgements they put on me.  I hate how they twist me up because I’m different than them.  I hate their power struggle, although supposedly they’re there for God.  I hate the way they make me feel because I follow my inner meter and not their rules.  I hate that they’re mindless and follow what their preacher, bishop, Pope, leader says like sheep never questioning.  Jesus said to be like children not sheep…  I’ve never been a good sheep.  I can’t even play one on tv…

Now that I’ve exhausted the excuses that I tell myself, why do I hate God?  Why does my skin cringe up when I see God posts… not the “If you don’t post this you hate God” because I know why I can’t stand those, but the ones talking about God’s love for you…. Why do I deflect them to other people that might need to hear them…  Why do I tiptoe around the subject and get antsy and move on to different thinks to think… Why do I hate God?

First I have to roll that stone away from the door to explore more on that answer… Though the first thoughts that hit me are God doesn’t love me, or *pout* He’s given me more than I can handle and I’m tired and for once would just like to know peace and happiness, not constant struggle.  I look at my children and know how blessed I am but then I get sad that I can’t give them better right now… I’ve seen that they’re happy with cheap dollar toys and simple birthdays and simple things, but it’s not my perfect so it’s not good enough…

Hate very rarely has anything to do with who we push it off on…. or maybe I’m still deflecting because it hurts too much to delve into that darkness…

I know I’m a pouter, and I don’t follow directions very well.  I’m the child that touches the stove just to know what burn feels like so I’m sure my answer has something to do with that… Or my abandonment issues.  I feel a twinge in that direction.  My father abandoned us when I was a child and only came around when he was feeling guilty.  Then when I was an adult he wanted me to revolve my world around him and his bad habits… sometimes I feel that way about God.  I feel He abandoned me.  That’s why He made me so uniquely awesome but put me in a place and around people where it wouldn’t be appreciated or understood or encouraged.  He gave me this urge to save the world, but forgot the superpowers and the cape … or gave me warped super powers because I tend to think of ADHD as a superpower when it works right.  He said, “I have a plan for you,” and then pushed me out of the nest without giving me needed information… I haven’t gotten to a place where I’ve accepted that He didn’t tell me how or what.  I’m absolutely, positively livid over that.  I have these thoughts and desires but I’m not sure how to get there… yep, that hits close to home because shiny bunnies are popping up everywhere to get me away from the pain I’m approaching.  They’re a safety mechanism sometimes.

Everything I have tried hasn’t worked out.  I couldn’t be a missionary because I don’t like wearing clothes and am not good at hiding how very human I am.  I got turned away from the music ministry because of a power hungry music director.  I got turned away from ministry as a whole because of the reactions to a preacher running away with his secretary.  People hold you up to this unreal standard and when you turn out to be human, you’ve just cracked open their whole spiritual world because they weren’t really following God, but rather a human.  The list goes on from psychology to theater and ends up in: So I feel lost.  I pray for a path, but somewhere along the way have missed where I need to go…  I feel stuck, and I’m really angry with God for this.

He gave me talents for writing, but then giggled and gave me ADHD so that I have a head full of library shelves which are filled with unshared books, but not the attention span to sit and write.  And then on top of it, I get five kids.  The fifth being a complete miracle because I had a procedure that worked for six months and then was gone.  The barriers we build, God demolishes.  And deep in my knowing, I know there’s a reason, but with the fifth child could He not have sent some money along?  Lots of money, so I could take care of my brilliant, perfect babies properly? And here we come to another topic I won’t currently explore, because I have a husband who takes care of us all, so why do I feel like I have to?

And so all this comes out to be is “Waa, God, you did not give me my perfection on my timetable, waa waa waa.  You gave me a tough life so that I could help others, but you let me learn on my own because that’s how I learn, waa waa waa.  And you haven’t shown me my path yet because I’m not ready to take it, waa, waa, waa.”  I’m a spoiled brat.  Maybe it’s deeper.  Maybe there’s more that my ego is protecting me from or maybe it’s as simple as I’ve put it.  I don’t feel loved because I haven’t gotten life my way.  Maybe I’m being too hard on myself, or maybe I’m not being hard enough… maybe my superpower is acting up because I can’t decide…  So why do I hate God?

I don’t know.

Trust is not ab…

Trust is not about being comfortable. It is about being willing to move beyond your comfort zone when there is absolutely no evidence you will be supported. Think of it this way. Trust is based on your ability to stand your ground and rely on your own abilities, knowing that no matter what happens, you will be better off than you were in the beginning.
—Iyanla Vanzant

I made a big step in my life that also affects the lives of my family members.  That’s uber scary to me.  While doing my own thing for me is ok, when it affects my children and husband it is a totally different matter.  I took a deep breath and argued with myself for a ridiculously long time (over a year) and finally took the step.  I had to trust God to take care of us.  I had to let go of my control of the situation… two things that go against my nature.  I’m not good at depending on anyone even God, or should I say especially God… Anyhow, I let go, I said, “God, I trust you, and I will do as you’ve asked.” And when I finally took that step, I’ve been at peace… most of the time when I can get my ego to shut up.  The hardest part, beyond trusting, is others who don’t understand, who ask me asinine questions I can’t answer or who will scoff at the answer.  Others who don’t have the faith I do, so I divert.  I found this quote after someone questioned me, and I didn’t have the words to explain.  It explained it perfectly.  Since then  I’m slowly becoming okay with not diverting.  I’m slowly trusting completely.  I took a big step by trusting at all, but I didn’t trust completely.  I’m slowly, very slowly trusting completely.  Things have not been ideal, but we have been taken care of and it has made my testimony stronger for sure.  I’ve also seen things changing for the better.  But that couldn’t have happened if I hadn’t taken that first step away from my comfort zone.  If I hadn’t trusted that it would all work out.  This is something I truly believe with all that I am.  So do you see something that you can’t seem to change, and you have that still small voice whispering how to make it change, but you’re afraid or apprehensive?  Trust that voice, follow that voice, tune out the naysayers… Love, peace, and hope, because with hope you can change everything!

“Our demons los…

“Our demons lose their power when we pull them out of the depths where they hide and look them in the face in broad daylight.”

~ Isabel Allende

 

People like to hide from their demons, their monsters, their secrets.  They think somehow by hiding these away it will make them go away.  I can’t see you, you don’t exist, but we find that this is not true.  Usually when we hide, our demons come back bigger and scarier than ever at our weakest moments.  When we refuse to hide them anymore, we find our strength, we find our truth.  Sometimes we find that our demons were created by a three year old child that watched a horror movie.  How silly do we feel when we find out that we’ve missed out on beautiful beaches because we watched Jaws at three years old?  And then we wonder why it took so long and the simple answer is because we were hiding.

I challenge you to stop hiding today.  Pull your demons, your monsters, your secrets out of their dark places and shine your light on them so that you can be free of them.  Peace, love, and hope, because with hope, you can make anything happen!

Figuring out what’s stopping you

Now that you’ve been considering what my last blog said, and you’ve started wondering if maybe there’s an idea that’s holding you back from that promotion or from finding your soul mate, let’s try some exercises to find out.  Get paper and pencil because it’s much easier to remember it when it’s written down, and it becomes more real when you see it written on paper.  Also you access a different part of your brain by writing.

Begin by thinking about the area of your life that you have a hold back.  I’ll give you an example from my life: Money.  I have so many issues surrounding money that I’ll be to China by the time I dig through it all, but let’s start with small steps.

What is the first thought/memory that comes to mind, negative, positive, or neutral when you think about this area?  Write it down, and continue until you can not come out with another thought.  It may be a random thought that seems to have nothing to do with the topic (you’d be amazed at the random connections your brain makes, talk to an ADHD person, and you’ll see what I mean…)  Write it down anyway.  If it feels painful and you’re scared to write it down, make sure you put that down, too.  Don’t allow yourself to avoid it no matter how much instinct wants you to.
Going back to my example on money.  I would buy a Powerball ticket and then as it got closer to time for the drawing, I would start worrying vehemently about what would happen if I won, how I would need to get my affairs in order immediately because I was sure if I won, someone would kill me to get the money.  My next thought was the memory of my mother’s family who tore itself apart over forty acres of land that my grandparents had.  Third, (this one I realized recently, and some will be buried like that) it won’t mean anything because people will not see it as an accomplishment.  They’ll say I got lucky and that I don’t deserve the money.

When you’ve gotten to the bottom of your list, and it may take you a while, that is perfectly fine, go back to the top and start exploring these ideas.  Pay attention to how they make you feel, and what other thoughts pop up.  Again, I advise you to write these things down.  It’s so much easier than trying to remember it all.  Just start with the first thought and work your way down.  You don’t have to go through the whole list on your first try.  Just start with the first thought.
So I’ll start with someone will kill me if I have a ridiculous amount of money.  It sounds silly (and you may have some like this) and easy to dismiss but I picked it up somewhere.  I noticed I’d get anxiety because somewhere deep inside I believed this to be true.  I have an ex-husband who would gain custody of my daughter and any money that she would come into.  And as I learned, you don’t really know the evil in people until you have something they want.  Then you have stories in the media, and I’m always searching for something short to read, so news articles and other such things are the easiest fill for this addiction.  I know, as of the last two years, I came across a story about a man who had won the lottery up north, Chicago, I think, and had been poisoned.  It’s also a reoccurring theme in television shows and movies (Heaven Can Wait, made way back in the day and then remade by Chris Rock…) so it’s not an unreasonable assumption.  So now, how do I dismiss this from my brain?

Now we’re on to getting this belief out of our heads.  Is this idea one that you came to from your own personal experiences, or did you pick it up from other people in your environment or stories in the news or on some television program or some book you read? We pick up ideas from everywhere (real or fiction) that we turn around and store for later use, with or without our permission.  If the idea did not originate from your own experiences, but instead from something you read, saw, or were told, then they are more easily dismissed.  By allowing yourself to go deeper on the thought, you may also find hidden ideas, so don’t just abandon it and make sure to write down anything that comes to mind.  If it is something especially painful, you may find yourself avoiding the conversation altogether.  I have no examples (that I’m aware of) with money for this, but I do have some issues with God that when I start to go near, I immediately shy away from.  I have five or six blogs currently in the works, just waiting for me to finish them, including Why Do You Hate God? but I avoid them.  Still working on that block.

If you find yourself up against thoughts, beliefs, ideas, etc. that you can’t make yourself go near, I would suggest to seek professional help or at the very least, a friend that won’t let you run away from what you’re scared you’ll find.  That’s usually what thoughts like these are.  Very scary, scarring experiences that happened in your life.  You can try to work at it alone but most of the time our instinct is stronger than our need for healing so, in my opinion, it is best to get professional help in clearing these ideas.  You can seek counseling, psychiatry, EFT/tapping (absolutely best choice, in my opinion), prayer, hypnosis, life coach, but whatever route you choose, I again suggest getting a professional to help you.
Make sure though when seeking help from someone else, even if it’s just a friend, that they are very open and caring and do not have a hidden agenda.  A year ago I was taking a workshop to be a life coach and part of that was us giving and receiving sessions to each other and the leader of the workshop.  The leader had her own agenda on multiple fronts, thus giving me bad advice, and throwing me further into despair because I trusted her to have my best interest at heart.  Now “own agenda” doesn’t mean they’re trying to take your money, it just means, they have their own way of seeing life and they let it cloud them to your plight and they push those ideas on you.  An example of this is that this coach believed in giving up your paying job to find your passion, but that is not always the correct route to take at the current moment.  I heard her give this advice not only to myself, but to others in the workshop.  She let this agenda cloud her judgement and get in the way of listening to what she was being told.  If you find this happening, my suggestion would be either to point it out and see if the person can clear themselves up or find someone new.  That’s also why I suggest EFT/tapping because not only is it a physical action that helps clear out blocks (I know from experience) but I find it harder to push an agenda when you’re facing something specific.
Clearing out the “people are going to kill me if I have lots of money” belief was rather simple, luckily.  I was worried about things I couldn’t control so instead I decided to give it to God or the Universe, whichever way you want to look at it.  It was holding me back and not helping me achieve my goals so I let it go and told myself, “I am protected.”  Not all blocks are going to be that easy to clear or let go, but luckily for me, that one was.

So what are your blocks, and what are you going to do about them?

When you find y…

When you find yourself drowning in self-hate, you have to remind yourself that you weren’t born feeling this way. That at some point in your journey, some person or experience sent you the message that there was something wrong with who you are, and you internalized those messages and took them on as your truth. But that hate isn’t yours to carry, and those judgments aren’t about you. And in the same way that you learned to think badly of yourself, you can learn to think new, self-loving and accepting thoughts. You can learn to challenge those beliefs, take away their power, and reclaim your own. It won’t be easy, and it won’t happen over night. But it is possible. And it starts when you decide that there has to be more to life than this pain you feel. It starts when you decide that you deserve to discover it. —Daniell Koepke